June: A summary

1. Gardening - After lovingly and laboriously planting, watering, and watching over our garden, it was discovered by the bunnies and completely deforested.  Well, except the cilantro and the basil.  But tomatoes, peppers, broccoli, carrots, dill - all gone.  We were left with two small patches of herbs, two watermelon plants, and some straggly green onions.

We, however, refused to be as decimated as our garden.  We persevered with the help of Lowe's and the farmer's market.  We bought some small plants and built a fence.  The tomatoes are flowering and we seem to be back in business.

2. Health - I have been sick for what is starting to feel like years.  A progression of stubborn colds and a general malaise, and a lymph node in my neck that just wouldn't go away.  Finally, the oncologist within me on red alert, I had a biopsy of the offending node.  The diagnosis is Kikuchi disease, a self-limited autoimmune condition that should resolve within 6 months at the most.  As the name might imply, this is found most commonly among the Japanese.  Since I am decidedly caucasian, this diagnosis confirms my general classification as unusual.  I feel pretty confident that my PCP and I know exactly the same amount about this disease because we read the same E-medicine article.  In any case, I am slowly getting better.  I have had laryngitis for almost two weeks, but even that is getting better and I am loosing my husky, sexy baritone.

3. Running - Because of the above mentioned malaise, I have not been as consistent in my gym attendance as previously, but I am still eking along, genuinely loosing weight and  . . . drumroll please . . . I jogged for a full 20 minutes for the first time since I was in med school.  I went back this morning and it wasn't exactly a skip through the tulips.  More like roses.  Really thorny roses.  But I made it.  And really my biggest problem was this cough so I am confident I'll be back to three times a week this week.

4. Work - Dave started a new job - he is now a trainee in the financial planning program for Morgan Stanley Smith Barney.  Starting in November he will be available for all your financial planning needs.  This is a big exciting change for him and one that he has needed to make for a while.  But it is also throwing our household into chaos.  He actually has a schedule and work hours and an immense lack of flexibility.  We're getting up earlier which makes EVERYONE, even the little one, cranky.  But it's good and he's studying like he's back in school.  This will be his "first year of fellowship".

5. Research - July first starts what was going to be my last year at Pitt but that may be changing slightly.  I just found out I won a grant from the St. Baldrick's Foundation - remember the folks Dave shaved his head for? - and it is a two year grant.  So, between Dave's training program and the awe-inspiring fact that someone wants to pay me real money to do what I am loving doing, we may be here a titch longer than originally planned.  Things are going along swimmingly and I even presented my data at a local research symposium.  Seeing that this was my first real research presentation ever and that most of the other presenters had PhD's and had clearly done this before, I was shocked to win an "Outstanding Presentation" Award. (And thrilled by the cash.)

6. School - Nate graduated to the "Toddler" program at school.  Complete with certificate and room change.  He LOVES his new teachers and talks nonstop about all the fun he had at school when he comes home.  I think he had really outgrown the stimulation available in the Tot room which pretty much consisted of looking at picture books and listening to the same CD.  Now there is s train table and a "kitchen" and shopping carts and "babies" to feed.  Plus dress up clothes and playing in the little pool two times a week.  Plus, wait for it, a pretend vacuum cleaner.  He is playing with this almost every time I pick him up.  This morning, clutching a kiss a la "The Kissing Hand" he sat down to eat his breakfast "like a big boy" and did not cry when I dropped him off.  I have all fingers and toes crossed and a braid in my hair in hopes that this will continue.

7. Growth - Nate is firmly over 25 pounds and tall enough to climb whatever he wants and to harvest any item of his choice from all but the very center of the dining table.  I am proud of him, so happy that he feels well, and unabashedly acknowledge that there were advantages to a pee wee boy.

Overall June has been a good month for our family.  I am sorry I was away so long.  I can't promise that it will never happen again, but I have a lot swirling around in my mind to write about so it may be more consistent for a while.

Progress

I am now going a half mile further in the same amount of time and doing twice as much running as walking.  So, I am moving right along.
I do think it is going to be a massive let down when there is no Royal Wedding buzz on the Today Show in the morning.  I might loose all motivation.

Good, Bad, and Maybe Less Ugly

Here is what I think about exercise.
1) It's hard.
2) It takes time I don't particularly have.
3) The results are seen on the scale of D-E-L-A-Y-E-D gratification.
4) It makes me sweaty which makes my skin red and itchy and I totally hate that.
5) It's kind of boring.
6) I'm pretty bad at it which makes me feel inept which makes me feel bad about myself which makes me want to stop doing it and go back to something I am good at.

But here's the horrible Catch 22 (almost as horrible as that particular book, in fact): I feel terrible about myself when I don't exercise, too.  Last year, rounding on three patient floors, I often wondered which would kill me first the panting and chest pain after climbing one flight of stairs or the embarrassment from the above circumstance.

So, through wheezing and foot pain and scratchy skin I have soldiered on with this running program.
Here's what I think about it.
1) It's been hard
2) I do enjoy watching the Today Show while I jog.
3) I've gained some weight which is basically the stupidest thing EVER but I'm blaming it on the fat to muscle conversion (This happened last time I tried to get in shape too.  All my pants got too tight in the thighs before they got looser finally.  I think I share my father's predilection for easy muscle mass growth and it outstrips fat loss.  Sadly, I think I will never look lean b/c of all that muscle bulk.)
4) BUT, I was thrilled last week when I skipped up two flights of stairs with a pair of medical students, lecturing the whole way, and wasn't even breathing hard at the top.
5) And yesterday, I got out of bed with a headache and a total lack of motivation, went to the gym ONLY because I had promised Nate the night before that he could put money in the meter in the morning, and then had a great "run".  It was, for the first time, more jogging than walking, faster than usual and therefore farther than usual in the same amount of time.  And my headache was gone.  And I felt great for the rest of the day.
And I am actually ready to do it again tomorrow.

Progress Report

Still running.  Slowly creeping up toward a 5K but definitely making progress.  It seems the longer I spend jogging as opposed to just walking, the less my lungs like it.  But I suppose that's why albuterol was invented.  Besides the wheezing and the unfortunate tendency of y headphones to shock me in both ears simultaneously, things are going great!

Keep on Burnin'

I read that Americans as a group ate 156 billion calories on Super Bowl.  I wonder how much of that was due to my effort to be "polite" and help finish the buffalo chicken dip.  That wonder led me to run a little faster and a little farther this morning.
Parts of me that hurt: my right fifth metatarsal, my right hip, my lower abs
Parts that don't: my self-esteem

Day 2

Good news!
It seems I actually do have some muscles in my legs.  I know this because all day they have wanted to complain, individually and in chorus, about the abuses perpetrated on them yesterday.  My abs aren't too happy either.
I have decided to keep it a secret that we're doing the same thing again tomorrow.  Figure tomorrow morning is soon enough for a mutiny.

Day 1

I "ran" today for the first time in years.  It was more a mixture of brisk walking and slow jogging than actual running.  My chubby, out-of-shape legs HATED it.  My lungs would have preferred to be doing something that involved a little less breathing, thank you very much.  And lets just say that the anatomic changes referable to previous lactation introduced an unexpected dynamic.
But now, I am sitting at my desk, a little tired, but proud of myself and really remembering why I loved running so much before.  It makes you feel good.
Really.
One day down, about a bazillion to go before I am ready for THE GREAT RACE.

Food Fight

I'm reading "Unbearable Lightness" by Portia De Rossi.
I'm slightly distressed but actually not surprised to say that I have more in common with her than I am altogether comfortable with.  It's a surprisingly well written and insightful story of her struggle with anorexia.  With weight and image in general, actually.
I haven't finished it yet.  I know she eventually lives happily ever after with Ellen but I suspect that many of her "happy" days are still a struggle.  I am sure there are days when she thinks about weighing a small fraction of her healthy body weight and is a little wistful for the rush of saying no to food and getting on the treadmill instead.  I believe this because I know that rush.
When I came to med school I wanted to change a lot of things about myself.  I knew I was smart but I was shy and insecure and painfully aware of being overweight.  I wanted to dance and party and have lots of friends and feel as free and weightless as other people my age always looked to me.  I was living alone, away from family and close friends.  I wasn't really accountable to or responsible for anyone but me.  I had the chance to make whatever changes I wanted, and with characteristic determination, I took control.
It really did start as a "healthy" eating plan and moderate exercise.
Really.
It's just that my control got out of my control.

I have trouble with food.  I love it.  If it's around I almost can't say no.  I think constantly about what I'm going to eat and when and where.  I eat when I'm bored and I love to eat while I read, even though I don't remember later what I ate because I was reading at the time.  I worry about not having food around when I need it and so I carry a boatload of snacks with me at all times.  Then I eat them because they are there.  I will eat something I don't completely want rather than throw it away because I feel bad about the waste.  If I want to eat something and I choose not to, that desire follows me around and bothers me so it usually seems easier to eat what I want even if I know I shouldn't.  Even if I'm already full.
For all these reasons, moderation was and is almost impossible for me.  Making a good choice about food in the moment is so hard that it made the most sense to me to make all the choices ahead of time.  I decided what to eat at the beginning of the week and didn't buy anything extraneous to my menu.  That sounds OK.  And it was.  But then I narrowed my acceptable list of foods and shrunk my daily calorie count and before I knew it I was afraid of what would happen if I ate anything else.  Instead of freeing me to have fun, as the weight fell away I became a prisoner of the pounds I was afraid to gain back.  I started declining invitations to go out because it was easier to stay home than to figure out how to hide the fact that I didn't eat. 
But I can't say it was bad.  I enjoyed loosing weight.  I enjoyed what people said about my weight loss.  I enjoyed shrinking out of my clothes.  I was ridiculously pleased with the appearance of my collar bones.  Saying no to food felt good.  It felt like I was strong and in control.  I loved it.  Today, when I am feeling the most overwhelmed, out of control, and doubtful of my accomplishments I long to feel that strength again.  That scares me and so I usually eat to combat the feeling.

I never lost enough weight to be underweight.  I never made myself throw up or took any meds or laxatives or anything like that.  I just restricted intake and exercised like a fiend.  But I was definitely far outside the realm of normal healthy behavior.
I don't know how things may have gone.  I was focused on weight loss at all costs and energized by success but I also have good friends who were already starting to worry.  What did happen, is that I met Dave and my focus shifted just enough that the obsessive part of it fell away.  I still ate well and exercised but it was different.  It was a choice, not a need.  I stopped measuring every drop of milk that went into my coffee and the peanut butter on my bread.
Many things have changed in my life since then.  My weight has been up and down.  I have been in shape and out of shape.  Then I had Nathan and my focus swiveled so far around that I stopped seeing myself at all.   Being a doctor and being a mommy have left me taking care of everyone but myself.  Objectively, however, it is time for things to change.  My stamina, flexibility, and strength are basically gone.  My baby is getting faster and stronger and I am not.  I want to be able to run and jump and climb trees with him and with his children which means I have to take much better care of me.

I have been thinking a lot about reasonable changes I can make in my behavior and lifestyle.
I have a plan and I believe I can do it.
Part of the plan is keeping track here of how things are going.  I have decided to keep track of accomplishments and not pounds lost.  Trying to shift the focus a little.
The goal is for Dave and I to run the Pittsburgh Great Race together this fall.
I'll keep you posted on my progress.